Friday, July 9, 2010

Another Day 1

How many times am I going to start over? I *just* want to eat ZC with fermented veggies juice and be strict but for some reason I have been falling off the wagon. Yesterday started out pretty good (except for the horrible headache and backache!) and then throughout the day the cravings and insane hunger set in. I think it was the coconut milk kefir but I am not sure. That stuff is so good that I had a hard time stopping. I meant to eat a spoonful and ended up eating almost a whole cup. Then I ate more later. I noticed myself getting angry, craving sweets, and just wanting to eat, eat, eat. Eventually I gave in and was c/sing with the remaining coconut milk kefir mixed with flax seed meal and sweet 'n' low, and almond/coconut butter. I just wanted to get the rest of the coconut milk kefir out of the house but didn't want to eat even more. I was worried about eating too many calories and weight gain. I should have given it to the dogs but I was in that ED insanity at that point.

Today is a new day but it's not necessarily an easy day. I also measured my thighs yesterday and have gained 0.39 inches since about a week ago - actually, since last Saturday. That really frustrated me as well. I do think I have some fluid retention right now from die off, something I am eating, or from PMS. Not sure...I could be totally wrong, too, and it's simply weight gain. But that much in 5 days? How does that happen?

I do realize the insanity of all of this, the vicious cycle, trying just "one bite" then going overboard, deciding to *fast* (which is really starving myself due to fear of weight gain), deciding to eat less, giving in, feeling guilty, etc.  If I didn't worry so much about gaining weight AND if I didn't have such an unrealistic view of myself, then doing GAPS would be a lot easier. I would go back to eating veggies since I am really not enjoying ZC. I get bored with the same taste and consistency over and over.

So I am *fasting* today. Whatever! Bob is going to see his dad so I will be here by myself all day. That could be good or bad. Sometimes I do great all day and then cave in the evening. Being hungry doesn't help. I also plan on going to Trader Joe's to get more coconut water to make kefir (don't like the taste so I don't go overboard like I do with coconut milk kefir) and I am already thinking about their almond/flax butter. Man I love that stuff but I will do my best not to even buy it. I should also get rid of the remaining almonds, flax seed meal, and homemade almond/coco butter I have in the pantry, but I have been using them to make stuff for Bob.

I hate to be negative but life SUCKS right now!

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