Friday, August 22, 2008

it's been a while

August 13th, 2008

Giving in to chewing and spitting was SO not worth it. The white coating on my tongue, no doubt from candida overgrowth, is now worse than it was before. I have been waking up with swollen eye lids and a puffy face since then, and the daily headache, backache, and calf pain has intensified. It’s like starting over and I am not thrilled about it.

I went to see Dr. Rowan yesterday to get a second opinion regarding my back. Dr. Ellis had said that my lowest vertebrae is rubbing against the bone of my sacrum, causing inflammation and therefore pain. Since Donna, my massage therapist, said that Dr. Ellis is ‘hopeless’ I decided to get a second opinion from Rowan. He said that my spine is very much out of alignment - mostly in my neck and upper back and slightly in my lower back. Ellis said to avoid exercise with impact, like jumping rope, jogging, etc., Rowan said I can do what ever I want. Ellis thinks I need e-stim and traction along with 5 days of taking 600 mg Ibuprofen to get rid of the inflammation. Rowan says I need a few adjustments. I am not sure who to believe.

Today I have an appointment with a podiatrist to see if I still need my inserts or new inserts. But I wonder if I should even go. Maybe I should give the massages, adjustments, and avoiding nuts and grains and other foods that increase the pain a chance first. If I go to the podiatrist he’ll probably find something and recommend $400 inserts. I hate all these decisions and what is happening in my life. I am also still PMSing - since Saturday night. I had hoped it would be gone this morning but not so far.

Yesterday I didn’t take any Cortef. I probably didn’t taper off of it as slowly as Dr. Wallner wanted me to but I wanted to be done with it. My energy seems to be ok so maybe the medication she gave me for Epstein Barr is helping. If only I hadn’t started eating nuts and grains. I could kick myself!

August 10th, 2008

I messed up last night. The whole day was a struggle with wanting more pecan butter and something OTHER than meat, veggies and fat. I finally told Bob about it after I almost gave in while he was taking a shower. We talked about it briefly. We spent the afternoon in Knoxville then came home for dinner. Later he left to take something to the office and turn the A/C on for church this morning and I was tempted again but got ready for bed. Then he called and said he was going hog hunting with Matt. Again I was tempted but still got ready for bed. I think I would have gone to bed if I hadn’t been so horribly swollen but the fact that I was just sent me over the edge. I don’t know if it was a reaction to something I ate or of it’s already PMS again, but I just can’t stand it. I spent more time looking like I am pregnant than looking normal. Bob came home to change clothes. After he left I posted about my temptation on the EDA board and although I got replies I eventually gave in and was up until 10:30 PM chewing and spitting food.

This morning I was/am still very swollen. I walked in the kitchen and went right back to chewing and spitting. I am so scared. What has happened to me and my life? How do I get back to being healthy - physically? Where do I go from here? I feel so alone.

August 9th, 2008

I can't believe it's been this long since I have written. In short, I have been messing up. I was chewing and spitting almost weekly, every time had PMS, and then eventually I was able to stop and now have around 60 days. I continued to have pain daily and still do.

Thursday was such a "good" day. By afternoon I had almost no pain and I felt so positive. I was sure that I can heal. I had more energy, too. Yesterday the pain was worse and this morning it was awful. I took a muscle relaxant and 600 mg of Ibuprofen - that was around 6 AM - but I still have pain. I constantly feel like I can hear my pulse in my head and it is driving me crazy.

We are going to Knoxville today to meet with a guy who is a missionary in Germany. Pretty cool and in a way I am looking forward to it, but I am so tired, and worn out, and achy, that I would just like to crawl back into bed.

I am also tempted to chew and spit - have been since Thursday when I got into the pecans. To make matters worse I made pecan butter which is even harder to stay away from. I am not supposed to have nuts because of various health issues and of course I don't want to gain weight, so chewing and spitting came to mind. I have 66 days today without c/sing and I don't want to mess that up. Yet while Bob was in the shower I was sitting here with the pecan butter tempted to do it. I should tell him but I can't find the willingness. It reminds me of the internal struggle Paul talks about in Romans 7:14-25.

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