rough day

I woke up around 5 AM but stayed in bed for another hour. I was drifting in and out of sleep. Every time I woke up I prayed for people. When I finally got up I did not get on my knees to pray. It wasn't until later, while I was out running errands, that I realized I had already forgotten to do it. As I was driving I decided to do so as soon as I got home. That didn't happen.

Last night I had decided to start my fast today. I figure if I make it the seven days until I check into the clinic then maybe I can cut my clinic stay short. Not that I don't think it would be nice to stay there, but it would give me more time with mom and it would cost less money. I did pretty good until I got back from grocery shopping. I figure a little butter won't hurt which I followed with some veggie broth. I also bought a bunch of veggies to make more broth. About an hour later I was going to put the buffalo ribs and grouper I had cooked yesterday in the freezer but ended up eating them. That just frustrated me and immediately I wanted to chew and spit. WTH??

I guess emotionally it would have been easier to deal with the failure of chewing and spitting than to deal with the failure of eating. And I am worried about gaining weight. I have already gained about a whole jeans size in one week and really don't want to gain anymore, but my hunger seems out of control again. Maybe it's the butter causing cravings and/or weight gain.

So I finally went upstairs, got on my knees and all I could get out was, "help me...please help me". I don't know what is wrong with me today. I can't seem to focus on anything. I have books to read, Spanish to learn, shows to watch, but all I can think about is going to the store to get some nuts so I can chew and spit. And then what?